Unlike last week when I was caught unprepared by a new O.C., this week I was ready. I preempted the t.v. with a warning and made my roommate and friends stop playing xbox to watch it with me. Oh who am I kidding? I only forced them to watch the O.C. with me so I wouldn’t have to spend another Thursday night alone. My prisoners. They looked like they wanted to be there about as much as Taylor’s mom. Oh god I need to untuck my shirt. I so don’t have the ass for low rise.
Dan, “She just needs to be fucked… hard!”
Dan? Yep, the most memorable line of the evening came not from the t.v. but from the Viking sitting beside me on the couch. And boy, what an astute observation. Taylor is both really lonely and super uptight. You kind of assume she puts in a tampon regardless of the time of the month. A hot beef injection might just be the treatment she needs. Valiant Seth, sympathizing with her loneliness and dorkdom, took pity on poor Taylor Trash and came to her rescue against the full shoe assault by the cool kids. And like many a lonely girl, she mistook pity for sincere interest and started making her move. Ah, the pity fuck. Is it worth losing Summer over, Cohen?
Betrayal was the obvious theme of the night. Whether assumed, projected, or caught dry humping on Chili’s bed, it’s getting hard to be faithful in Newport. Marissa has found a kindred friend in Johnny. And why not? Getting almost beach raped and seeing your gangbanged dad sail away is exactly like beating your drunk father half to death with a bat. It’s almost like they’re twins! No seriously, they look like they weigh exactly the same and could both fit into Marissa’s Chanel. (…who’s jealous)
Marissa definitely has a type. She just loves men with anger control issues. If there’s no chance her boyfriend will violently attack at any moment with minimal provocation then she’s not interested. When Seth told Ryan not to punch Summer, it was funny because it was possible - and Summer. When Johnny told Marissa about beating his father half to death in a blind rage, you could just see her little legs quiver. When Ryan shows signs of anxiety about Johnny’s interest in Marissa you can smell the fisticuffs coming. But don’t be so sure Hulk beats Batboy. Trust me, the skinny one is always more psychotic.
Surfer waif Johnny is no match for surfer Iceman and his buds. His mind’s writing checks his body can’t cash. What was he thinking going after Iceman at the campfire without his trusty bat? I mean, you know that guy’s a jerk because he did the international I’m-a-tool teeth click. And you know My Little Pony is going to need to mount someone when she’s in heat. She knew she was headed for the romance glue factory anyway. So Johnny shouldn’t have been surprised when he found them together. Thank god Ryan was there to pull him off, and then punch Iceman in the mouth. I mean, what good is having Ryan around if not to punch people. That’s pretty much what he’s good at.
Speaking of sticking to your skill set, Poopernickel has stumbled upon someone who’s just as good at digging it as she. And the pot called the kettle a ho. What was Charlotte doing with all those credit cards in different names? Maybe she was helping the needy. Bitch please. I love how neither want to do charity to actually help people. One’s scammin for her reputation back and one’s just scammin for cash. No moral highground in sight. I don’t know if these two ladies are mortal enemies or some sort of cash&cock-starved dynamic duo. I also don’t know how Poopernickel’s going to provide for her family. But I have a hunch it involves a pizza and a camcorder.
So Taylor’s all over Seth because he’s a fellow nerd. Marissa is digging on Johnny because his rage reminds her of Ryan. And Ryan seems oddly interested in protecting Johnny because he looks like the boy version of Marissa. I don’t know what’s going to happen but it will probably end with no eye contact at cardio bar. As for me, I’ve got to head back to the library to recharge my own depleted nerd powers. I mean, come on, Hulk, Batboy, Iceman, Dynamic Duo… I’m one superhero characterization away from being Seth.
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