I dislike a lot of Christmas traditions. Decorations tend to be gaudy. Gifts tend to be tacky. And a lot of lyrics in Christmas carols don’t make sense. But my most hated Christmas tradition has to be the crappy Christmas movie. This year there seems to be more than usual. There was the Santa Clause 3 then Deck the Halls and now there’s Unaccompanied Minors.
These movies are horrible. They appeal to the lowest common denominator with thoughtless humor devoid of irony or even originality. It’s a lot of – whoops – someone slips on the ice or something gross like a camel spitting green slime in someone’s face. These movies feature the stupidest slap stick jokes and the dumbest plots. And they are always accompanied by the lamest lines. In the preview for Deck the Halls we see a concerned Kristen Davis say, “What our kids need for Christmas [pause, pause] is you.” Groan. The trailer for Unaccompanied Minors promises kids will learn, “What Christmas is all about.” Gag.
Why do so many of these movies get made every year? The easiest explanation is money. They’re quick, easy cash. But the dumb holiday fodder is not even doing well at the box office. The Santa Clause was supposed to be the big holiday movie. It was released right after Halloween – when everyone is feeling so Christmassy – and expected to remain in theatres through December. It didn’t. Deck the Halls also tanked. Could it be that even the kids these movies are aimed at are becoming too sophisticated for this tripe.
I would be remiss if I didn’t mention the Nativity Story. The story of Jesus’ birth was intended to milk the same cash cow the Passion did. But the movie has been destroyed in reviews as being dumb and boring. I haven’t seen any of these movies (I don’t have to to know they’re awful) but I have seen clips of the Nativity Story on the internet. What’s pathetically humorous about that movie is that Mary and Joseph speak awkward broken English in really bad Middle Eastern accents.
Before every line you expect Joseph to utter, “Uh, how do you say…” Why did the director feel it was necessary to make Mary and Joseph struggle with English? They weren’t actually speaking English then and one would assume they spoke to each other in their native tongues. Considering the target audience the creators might have been trying to exploit a bad Middle Eastern stereotype but I’m not sure. It comes off as dumb.
The annual crop of really bad Christmas movies forces me to wonder, why can’t someone make an intelligent Christmas movie? Much of the best writing derives from universal experiences or very special circumstances a skilled writer can make universal. We all experience Christmas so why can’t anyone produce a good Christmas movie?
These past weeks I have worked very hard finalizing my Christmas tour. This is my term of endearment for the rush of traveling I do every year for the week of Christmas. Last year I visited six cities in just seven days. Never again! Behind all this traveling is a lot of drama. I can’t cut out flying to see my Mom. She always talks about being lonely. I can’t cut out a trip to my grandparents. They always talk about being dead. I have eight nieces and nephews that love me but siblings that don’t get along. I’ve often thought, this could make a good movie. I don’t get bonked on the head and nothing scatological happens. But I do manage the conflicts and insecurities of about twenty people in order to see everyone and enjoy Christmas with them.
Although my traveling may seem extreme it is common that people’s various relationship issues – familial, platonic, and romantic – are amplified by the holidays. And these are the ingredients to good film making. Unaccompanied Minors may promise to reveal what “Christmas is all about,” but I can’t think of any contemporary Christmas movie that has rung true.
I would love to see a Christmas movie with more than falling face down in the snow and slipping on ice. I would like to see a legitimate, well written film that deals with the subject of family, friends, money, etc. on the holidays. It shouldn’t be that hard to make. The next best thing I have to that is the equally horrible and cheesy Black Christmas. If you haven’t heard that’s the new, graphic Christmas horror movie. If I can’t go see a thoughtful, compelling film about Christmas at least I can enjoy watching the two dimensional Christmas characters get sucked into death. It beats watching the same thing happen to Papaw.
