It
was more like a long, drawn out test.
I’m taking a break from commenting on the world at large to look
inward. A little self-analysis is
good sometimes. This past summer a
friend hurt me and then decided to leave my life. For months I have grappled with this new reality. I have felt confusion because I do not
fully understand what happened. I
have felt like a failure because I have been unable to mend the
relationship. And I have felt pain
for obvious reasons. However, not
to sound too cliché, but I’ve learned from the experience. I’ve thought a lot about friendship in
general and how I define a good friend.
One
ongoing exercise that has been helpful involves establishing my own parameters
for what makes a good friend.
Focusing on how I can be a better companion has been a healthy way to
channel the negativity of disappointment.
That doesn’t mean I’m some sort of contemplative contemporary
Buddha. There are plenty of things
wrong with me. I have a pugnacious
personality, pushy disposition, and naturally loud voice. I can worry too much and stress
unnecessarily. But these are
foibles that can either endear someone to me or repel them from me. They are personality traits and they
don’t disqualify me from friendship.
I
know I cannot control anyone else’s actions. All I can do is look inward and use my experiences to better
define what type of friend I am.
I’m not trying to “toot my own horn”. I am turning the focus on me
rather than obsessing over someone else and how he wronged me. These are my standards. No code is perfectly executed, but
knowing that I do my best to live by these principles somehow makes it easier
to accept the behavior of others.
Below are the answers I came up with during this test; what kind of
friend am I?
I
try hard to get to know you on a deeper than superficial level. I do not want to know the you that you might present in a job interview or the
you that performs to seem happy or cool.
I want to get to know as close as I can the you that you know and I offer a friendship with me as
a safe place for that you to
be shown.
I
do not arbitrarily wrong anyone.
However, if it is brought to my attention that I have wronged or
offended someone I apologize and take whatever steps are necessary to make
things right. I am open to
feedback about how my actions make others feel and I even solicit criticism at
times to make sure I am not inadvertently disappointing a friend.
If
someone wrongs or offends me I tell them directly, one-to-one, without unfair
accusations or insinuations. I do
not tell them in front of others in order to embarrass them. I do not run to authority figures to
tattle and try to get that person in trouble. I do not act out of vindictiveness to try to hurt aspects of
their life. And I do not go after
their other relationships. If they
apologize I accept their apology and leave it at that. I do not hold grudges or use guilt as a
tool of manipulation.
If
someone goes away from me for a while I do not cancel our friendship. My arms are always open for that person
to come back and resume closeness should they want to someday. I respect others’ journeys and forgive
their departure.
I
do not use friendship as a system of rewards and punishments. Closeness and time with me is not a
reward I bestow on people who behave the way I want and I don’t punish people
by cutting them off if they fail to entertain me. My love for other friends is unconditional.
I
am generous with affection, time, and resources. I am authentic, open, and honest. If a friend is attacked, I defend. If a friend is without, I give. If a friend is in need, I’m available.
I
am understanding when a friend is going through a difficult time or might have
had a difficult time in the past.
I factor this into consideration when a friend expresses hurt or
fear. I do not use their hurt or
fear as an excuse to hurt them more.
I
offer love and support. I am not
interested in being a good-times acquaintance. My commitment to living a full and abundant life extends to
my interaction with others. The
depth of my relationship with friends exceeds going out for drinks. I would rather have a few people that I
really know and can rely upon than 1000 friends on Facebook. And I know the difference between the
two.
I
put effort into friendships. I
work to keep in touch with long distance friends. I make plans and initiate with local friends. I remember people’s likes and interests
and often make them my interests to better understand that person. When I spend time with someone I focus
on that person. I do not chat and
text on my cell phone or talk about how great my time with someone else
is. I work to make others feel
wanted and appreciated.
I actively seek out ways to demonstrate love to friends.
