red fuzzy jesus

Palestinian Mickey Mouse

This is old but always good for a laugh:

 

From BBC News:

Hamas 'Mickey Mouse' killed off

Farfur is making way for new programmes, al-Aqsa said

A Palestinian TV station has killed off a controversial Mickey Mouse lookalike that critics said was spreading anti-US and anti-Israeli messages to children.

The Hamas-affiliated al-Aqsa channel aired the last episode on Friday, showing the character, Farfur, being beaten to death by an "Israeli agent".

"Farfur was martyred defending his land," said the show's presenter Saraa.

Israeli critics had said the show was outrageous and some Palestinian ministers tried to get it shelved.

In the final broadcast an actor said to be an Israeli agent tries to buy the land of the squeaky-voiced Mickey Mouse lookalike.

Farfur brands the Israeli a "terrorist" and is beaten to death.

He was killed "by the killers of children", Saraa says.

Al-Aqsa television told the Associated Press news agency the show, Tomorrow's Pioneers, was making way for new programmes.

'Indoctrination'

The channel had ignored demands from Information Minister Mustafa Barghouti for the show to be stopped.

Mr Barghouti said it "was wrong to use a programme directed at children to convey political messages".

In an earlier show, Farfur had said: "You and I are laying the foundation for a world led by Islamists.

"We will return the Islamic community to its former greatness, and liberate Jerusalem, God willing, liberate Iraq, God willing, and liberate all the countries of the Muslims invaded by the murderers."

The Israeli organisation, Palestinian Media Watch, said Farfur took "every opportunity to indoctrinate young viewers with teachings of Islamic supremacy".

It's Comedy, People

It's been a week since the news broke. I haven't written anything because I've got too much real work to do. But, I think it deserves some comment. Last week, Tracy Morgan said some controversial things about gay kids, particularly gay youth. I understand the condemnation. But I also understand that Tracy is a comedian and not a politician. His whole shtick is that he seems somewhat crazy, or drunk, or mentally challenged all the time. I also want to stick to my guns about soft censorship. Censorship involves a governing body restricting speech. That's not the issue. Soft censorship involves social coercion. And, here is a test of my principles, because even though I disagree with the jokes and don't find them funny, I still defend him against the humorless and the would-be censors. For a comedian, artist, actor, etc., nothing should be off limits. Everything is fair game for ridicule - even ridiculously cruel ridicule. That's comedy.

I like the Superficial's take on it:

"Friday morning, news broke that Tracy Morgan made some violent, homophobic comments during his stand-up act that become an instant scandal because apparently we’re considering comedy clubs churches now and treating everything at face value. (In related news, the National Fruit Administration has called for an end to Gallagher’s 30+ year Holocaust and demand he face a military tribunal.) Since Tracy’s comments were reported in the news vacuum known as Friday, it was only a matter of time until Hollywood weighed in because, again, jokes are serious business."

And this from Tyler Durden:

"Okay, again, Tracy Morgan is insane, and you can’t give him a microphone and put him on stage and then criticize him for saying insane things any more than you can yell at a kid with Downs for making faces. Morgan could have easily had said the same thing about stabbing his kid because he thought he was a dragon."

I'm not defending the ideas expressed, merely the medium. Morgan makes jokes about women giving head, black people, Jews, Asians, doing crack, punching people out, and generally being insane. It's not political advocacy. It's not scholarship. It's stupidity for laughs. It's what Spike Lee has labeled "bafoonery."

Two problems I do have involve a time and place consideration. 1. He said it in Tennessee, one of the hardest states on LGBT people. TN recently passed a law outlawing even mentioning gay people in school. Medieval! 2. This year there have been several suicides related to anti-gay bullying. And family rejection has always been a problem for gay youth. But, again, it's comedy told by a crazy guy. He's supposed to get on stage and say ridiculous stuff. That's his job. Gilbert Gottfried made jokes about 9/11/01 on 9/12/01. He was fired for making Tsunami jokes earlier this year right after the Japanese earthquake. It's comedy. It's okay if it's insensitive.

This is not the same thing as David Tyree participating in ill informed activism with the National Organization for Marriage.

Again, I like The Superficial's take on things:

Because Tracy Morgan actually realized homophobia is fucking retarded, or at least requires better comedic timing, former New York Giants receiver David Tyree has stepped up by joining forces with the National Organization of Marriage and reminded everyone that some black people are still really religious and surprisingly unable to remember when it was legal to blast them with firehoses for being different. And now to make Republican heads explode because, once again, the colored man has dominated another one of their pastimes. TMZ reports:

During the interview, Tyree is asked about the push to legalize gay marriage in the United States — and says if it happens, “This will be the beginning of our country sliding toward … it’s a strong word, but anarchy.”
To reinforce his point, Tyree says, “You can’t teach something that you don’t have … so two men will never be able to show a woman how to be a woman.”
And the kicker, Tyree — who’s black — says, “How can marriage be marriage for thousands of years and now all the sudden because a minority, an influential minority, has a push or agenda … and totally reshapes something that was not founded in our country.”

An agenda that “totally reshapes something that was not founded in our country.” Interesting logic because you know what else our country wasn’t founded on? Letting black people speak, vote, look at white women and/or generally walk around freely without a pair of shackles on. But, no, you’re right, they totally had it figured out back then.

Tyree is saying ignorant crap but it's not for laughs, it's for real. Two men will never be able to show a woman how to be a woman? What does that even mean? Studies showing kids turn out just as well with same-sex parents as opposite-sex parents are passé at this point. How do two people committing their lives to each other provoke anarchy? Seriously, explain these brilliant, sophisticated ideas. And, while you're at it, ignore that the same things were said not too long ago about interracial marriage.

But see, Tyree IS engaging in political advocacy. He has inserted himself into NY's marriage equality debate at a critical moment when the vote in the state legislature is going to be close. He doesn't rely on history, or academic studies, or any sort of scholarship. He just spouts animus. That is completely different than comedy.

I think you should be able to joke about anything, even if it touches on touchy subjects. In fact, I think there is a value to joking about touchy subjects. Humor is a way of processing and overcoming difficult times, at a personal level and a social level. Let idiots make jokes. For that matter, let idiots make political statements. Just shrug off the former and actively oppose the latter.

Rage Against the Kids

[Warning: Spoilers Abound]

Friday night I was there with friends to see the opening night of 28 Weeks Later.  Growing up I was never particularly a fan of zombie flicks or horror films in general.  But friends in recent years have changed that and now I’m quite the enthusiast.  In addition to those friends something else has helped changed my mind.  28 Days Later and its sequel promise to transcend if not change all together the horror genre.  The original 28 Weeks did escape many of the trappings of horror movies including the low brow clichés of the Friday the 13ths of my youth – so much so that it has lead to numerous annoying discussions of whether 28 Days is, in fact, a horror film.  Even in reviews I have noticed writers having some difficulty categorizing this film with some calling it a horror movie, others just a zombie movie, and many opting for the more generic “thriller.” 

And thrill it did.  Like the recent Dawn of the Dead, the best scene in 28 Weeks might be its opening.  At amusement parks the thing that kills me is not the big drop on a roller coaster.  It’s that slow ratcheting sound as the coaster is pulled up the first big hill.  Weeks does this well.  The movie opens during the time of the first film when Britain is decimated and the few remaining survivors are barricaded in farmhouses sustaining on canned food and candlelight.  The peaceful dinner and tense conversation of this opening is tortuously long because you know what’s coming; a zombie attack.  And when it comes it doesn’t disappoint. 

The herds of people with the “rage” virus appear on the horizon and make waste of the flimsy wooden barriers over the windows and doors.  They tear through these protections so easily one wonders why the people in the house bothered erecting them.  And the nice elderly couple, the sweet young girlfriend, the gruff young male friend, and the too-cute little boy are predictably torn to shreds.  The only person who gets away is the loving husband and father who chooses to abandon his wife rather than throw himself in front of the zombies in a vain attempt to slow their rampage. 

What Weeks assumes, heavily, is that everyone who sees it has seen the original.  It’s a safe enough assumption.  The target audience for the first is the same as the second and that variety of movie fan tends to be a pretty dedicated bunch.  But I was with someone who had not seen the first and listened as she whispered a lot of questions to her boyfriend.  Weeks makes no effort to inform viewers of what is going on with these zombie people.  It has a quick text at the beginning that indicates a timeline but does not explain how these people and Great Britain got the way they are in the movie.  This is contradicted by a throw away comment about the virus not being able to jump species when everyone remembers humans got it from lab monkeys in the first place. 

This is unfortunate because 28 Days and Weeks offer the most plausible cause of zombieism to date.  Rather than some meteorite hitting the earth, a virus develops that makes people into zombies.  It is perfectly biologically plausible that there might someday be a communicable virus that completely over stimulates adrenaline while totally suppressing logic creating “people” that are nothing but instruments of pure obsessive wrath.  We get from the doctor in the film that the “others” have a rage virus but where it came from and why Britain has all but disappeared is just taken for granted in the sequel and not really addressed.

A good test of a movie like this is how affected I am afterward.  On the way home in the subway an express A train pulled in at the same time an express 2 train arrived upstairs.  This lead to large crowds of people rushing en masse to catch their corresponding trains.  And seeing two thick groups of people rushing up and down the staircase respectively made me really uneasy.  There was no danger, of course, just a large number of people trying to catch their fast trains.  But having just seen Weeks I really didn’t enjoy being in the middle of it. 

When I visited London for the first time a few years ago I had cheerful English imagery of the Queen and red busses in mind.  Having seen V for Vendetta, Children of Men, and 28 Days in the past year my more recent trip to the city on the Thames had a creepier uneasiness.  I don’t think Weeks is going to help that much either. 

Going back to transcending the genre though, horror films (or thrillers) are sustained through series of bad choices.  In order for the mayhem to continue someone has to do something stupid like run upstairs when they could slip out the backdoor or break away from the group in the woods when you know it would be safer to stick together.  Weeks manages to avoid a lot of that syndrome.  I found myself considering what I would do in similar situations and it didn’t always differ too much from the characters.  Sure, people make stupid mistakes.  The kids in the film set off the conflict by exploring greater London when they should know better.  But, for the most part, people react the way one would if hell was breaking loose around them.

They go down into a dark, zombie-infested subway, which is a stupid choice but makes sense because they’re trying to escape opaque clouds of poison gas and a helicopter.  (The opaqueness of the clouds is another issue.)  The only really unbelievable part that takes you out of the movie is the omnipresence of the zombie dad.  As the kids run and drive all over London trying to escape ragers and American troops ordered to kill anything that moves, zombie dad keeps popping up.  He’s in the building, the street, the park, the subway.  It helps to forward the silly family storyline I guess but it just seems ridiculous that these kids keep encountering dear old dad at every turn instead of any of the thousands of zombies that could come around the corner.  This is made all the more screwy when you consider zombie dad has survived sniper fire, poison gas, and firebombing in order to keep running into to his poor kids leaving one friend to make the hilarious comment, “Man, this guy really hates his kids.” 

Another funny but disjointing moment came when the kids go down in the pitch-black subway.  The doctor directs them through the night scope on her gun.  But, no matter how hard I tried I cannot disassociate night vision from sex tapes.  As the teenage daughter looks back at the night scope in rapt terror I half expected Rick Salomon’s large wang to appear screen left.  I can’t be the only person with this hangup. [Sidenote: The girl playing the teenage daughter is named Imogen Poots!  That is either the best or worst showbiz name ever.] 

All and all Weeks delivers on excitement and a passable, believable plot.  I don’t look for flawless narratives when I go to this type of movie.  I understand that I have to suspend my disbelief a little more and not get hung up on holes or cheesiness too much.  It’s not as raw as it’s predecessor but one assumes that a sequel to a surprise hit is going to have a larger budget and more blockbustery feel.  It doesn’t fail to satisfy my lust for over the top movie violence or blood splattering and it has more than ample tension building and jumpy payoffs.  And the music is surprisingly enjoyable.  It was a fun ride but not life changing.  Like my students, this movie succeeded in passing my expectations but only because I’ve learned to preset those expectations to little and low. 

10,000 SPOONS

(from AmericaBlog)
                  White House paying $100,000 salary to "Director of Lessons Learned"                   
                  by John in DC - 7/12/2006 11:25:00 AM                   
                  
                  Rep. Rahm Emanuel (D-IL) offers a few more lessons learned:

Mr. Speaker, yesterday the President said we continue to be wise about how we spend the people's money.

            "Then why are we paying over $100,000 for a 'White House Director of Lessons Learned'?

"Maybe I can save the taxpayers $100,000 by running through a few of the lessons this White House should have learned by now.

"Lesson 1: When the Army Chief of Staff and the Secretary of State say you are going to war without enough troops, you're going to war without enough troops.

"Lesson 2: When 8.8 billion dollars of reconstruction funding disappears from Iraq, and 2 billion dollars disappears from Katrina relief, it's time to demand a little accountability.

"Lesson 3: When you've 'turned the corner' in Iraq more times than Danica Patrick at the Indy 500, it means you are going in circles.

"Lesson 4: When the national weather service tells you a category 5 hurricane is heading for New Orleans, a category 5 hurricane is heading to New Orleans.

            "I would also ask the President why we're paying for two 'Ethics Advisors' and a 'Director of Fact Checking.'

            "They must be the only people in Washington who get more vacation time than the President.

            "Maybe the White House could consolidate these positions into a Director of Irony."

THE O.C. - SEASON IN REVIEW

I used to write a weekly review of the O.C. Then two things happened. First, I taught a class Thursday nights making it incredibly difficult to catch the show. I relied too often on illegal downloads. Second, I ran out of things to say about the characters. Though the drama kept churning in new forms, the characters pretty much stayed the same. There are only so many times you can say, "Julie is a whore, Summer is dumb, and Ryan has serious anger control issues." But the season finale provided a totally novel description for one of the characters. Marissa is dead!

Mischa Barton wants to do movies so she needs to leave the show. But, even though she just graduated high school and there’s a convenient explanation that she went away to college – or sailing with dad – the series decided to kill her. Of course Ryan is at fault. That kid can’t stay out of trouble. Of course the violence boils down to the type of lovers quarrel only a primetime soap can promulgate. But this episode was less drama and more just serious.

Catching up with the residents of Orange County didn’t take long. Poopernickel has married Summer’s rich father. She’s still a whore. Sandy is very forgiving of his son’s pyrotechnics. He’s still the unbelievable superdad. And Marissa is still making a mess of every relationship to which she’s a party. But things are a changing in Newport. Now that some are leaving for college and one is dead, it seems like there are going to be a lot of new characters and a whole new dynamic.

Marissa’s less attractive little sister is going to ‘rule arbor high school.’ What does that even mean? I’ve seen that convention in endless teenie movies and TV shows. What do they mean when they say a little snot will rule a high school? Will she not be subjected to discipline or make the best grades? Nooooo. So it has to have something to do with social interaction. Maybe ‘ruling’ means she’s popular because she puts out and has money. Maybe she gets to decide who is invited to which parties and stuff. Whatever. Rule on. High school really is so important in the grand scheme of things.

And poor messed up Ryan. He killed the only girl that really loved him in the new car from his screwed up estranged mom. What’s he up to now in terms of years of therapy. Bee bop boo bop bee bee bop … ding! 124 years! Ryan will need over a century of psychoanalysis to cope with his pitiful life so far. And he’s only 18. Let’s just hope he gets someone better than Dr. Melphi. She asks a lot of nice questions but usually says nothing. And her patients never really progress.

I’m not so sure I’ll tune in next year. The show is going to change so much. 90210 managed to stay on the air for 7 more years after Brenda-the-bitch "went to France" and never ever came home, not once, not even for Christmas every year. What a bitch! I may keep watching the O.C. if they take it in a really new direction. I want to see Zombie Marissa terrorizing the town. Now that would rule arbor high school.

2006

The year is 2006.  Having ended the Democrats’ last tool of opposition in Congress, the filibuster [End The Filibuster Coalition Formed] conservatives have moved on to exercise their constitutional authority to dismantle the courts. 

James Dobson called for Republicans to do away with federal courts by saying, “Our founding fathers intended that this would be a government of the people, by the people, for the people. But now the final arbiter of every significant moral issue comes down to unelected, unaccountable judges in the judiciary… The Constitution, Article III, Section I, says that the Congress shall have the right to set up and provide jurisdiction for all the courts below the Supreme Court. They can cancel them at will. They can -- they should take away the franchise, if you will, for, say, the 9th Circuit out in California.”  James Dobson, interview with Wolf Blitzer, 3/31/05.

Impatient with that solution, Tom Delay ordered judges killed, “the time will come for the men responsible for this to answer for their behavior." [Official Press Statement]

With no opposition and no judicial checks, America becomes a one party government with President Bush anointed King George and Head of the American Church.  Free from barriers from the liberal elite, the Kingdom of God is made manifest on Earth and King George begins enforcing his ‘Culture of Life.’  Seeking guidance from the good book he begins decreeing new laws straight from God’s word. 

First, all the congress members that gathered on Sunday to vote for Terri’s bill the year before are stoned to death. 
"Six days shall work be done, but on the seventh day there shall be to you a holy day, a sabbath of rest to the Lord: whoseoever doeth work therein shall be put to death." (Exodus 35:2)   Although King George also technically worked on the holy day he grants himself a pardon.  In order to enforce the ‘Culture of Life’ some people are not stoned to death. 

All liberal evil doers are deported as the Lord commands,
"If there come any unto you that follow not His doctrine, receive him not into your land, neither bid him God speed: For he that biddeth him God speed is partaker of his evil deeds." (II John 10-11)

The remaining conservative leaders assemble for a press conference.  Each greets the other with a passionate kiss.  And the Lord says it is hot. 
"Greet all thy brethren with a passion kiss." (I Thessalonians 5:26. See also Romans 16:16; I Corinthians 16:20; II Corinthians 13:12; I Peter 5:14)

At a meeting before a gathering of pro-lifers, Queen Laura kicks off her Culture of Life Victory Tour by bashing a baby’s head against a rock because it makes God happy! 
"O daughters of Babylon; happy shall He be, that rewardeth thee as thou hast served us. Happy shall He be, that taketh and dasheth thy little infants against the stones." (Psalm 137:8-9)

At the Culture Wars Victory Parade, the high priest Jerry Falwell receives his reward of livestock and 32 virgins as the Lord commands.  Jerry eats the livestock and devirginizes the women until his fat heart explodes. 
"And the booty, being the rest of the prey which the men of war had caught, was 675,000 sheep, And 72,000 beeves, And 61,000 asses, And 32,000 persons in all, of women that had not known man by lying with him . . . of which the Lord's tribute was 32 persons. And Moses gave the tribute, which was the Lord's heave offering, unto Eleazar the priest." (Numbers 31:32-41)

However, Pat Robertson is jealous because all he gets is 200 stinky foreskins,
"Wherefore David and his men slew of the Philistines two hundred men; and David brought their foreskins, and they gave them in full tale to the king’s priest." (I Samuel 18:27)

To celebrate their victory in the culture wars, Dick Cheney’s daughter is burned on an altar under the newly passed Jephthah’s Law, and it pleases the Lord. 
“ And Jephthah came to Mizpeh unto his house, and behold, his daughter came out to meet him with timbrels and with dances: and she was his only daughter to have not known a man;. And it came to pass that she returned unto her heavenly father, who did with her according to his vow" (Judges 11:30-39)

The next week they unanimously pass the Freedom Stoning Act which mandates the immediate stoning deaths of rebellious children
"If a man have a stubborn and rebellious son, which will not obey the voice of his father… he is a glutton, and a drunkard. And all the men of his city shall stone him with stones, that he die" (Deuteronomy 21:18-21) 

The act also mandates readers of the Harry Potter Series be stoned along with LARPs.
"Thou shalt not suffer a witch to live." (Exodus 22:18) "A man or a woman that hath a familiar spirit, or that is a wizard, shall surely be put to death: they shall stone them with stones: their blood shall be upon them." (Leviticus 20:27)

Finally, the law requires that Jenna and Barbara Bush be brought before the Whitehouse and stoned to death.  "I took this woman, and I found her not a virgin,  and the tokens of virginity be not found for the damsel: Then they shall bring out the damsel to the door of her father's house, and the men of her city shall stone her with stones that she die ." (Deuteronomy 22:13-21)

After the stoning is completed, a Constitutional Amendment is passed outlawing Red Lobster because the eating of shellfish is declared an abomination. 
“And all that have not fins and scales in the seas, and in the rivers, of all that move in the waters, and of any living thing which is in the waters, they shall be an abomination unto you . . . ye shall not eat of their flesh, but ye shall have their carcasses in abomination." (Leviticus 11:10-11)

Biology textbooks are burned and replaced with new, more accurate textbooks that replace the evolution ‘Science’ with the creation story.  In these new books, the bat is reclassified as a bird, not a mammal. 
"And these are they which ye shall have in abomination among the fowls; they shall not be eaten, fowls are an abomination: the eagle, and the ostrich, and the ospray, and the vulture . . . and the bat." (Leviticus 11:13-19) 

With the homosexual threat to marriage extinguished, King George decries the Biblical Family Values Act which makes the imitation of great men in the Bible legally imperative.  First, Gideon’s Law, for whom the international Gideon’s ministry is named, requires all men have at least 3 wives and a whore. 
"And Gideon had threescore and ten sons of his body begotten: for he had many wives. And his concubine that was in Shechem, she also bare him a son, whose name he called Abimelech." (Judges 8:30-31). 

Then, under Solomon’s Law, King George relives his fraternity days and immediately appoints 1000 virgins to be his royal sex courtesans. 
"But king Solomon loved many strange women, together with the daughter of Pharaoh, women of the Moabites, Ammonites, Edomites, Zidonians, and Hittites . . . And he had seven hundred wives and three hundred concubines." (I Kings 11:1-3)  King Solomon is never condemned by the Bible for having 1000 lovers.  In fact, Jesus himself praises Solomon for being a great king.  (Matthew 6:29, 12:42, Luke 11:31)

The final part of the Biblical Family Values Act is the Freedom Parental Hate Law which requires all patriotic Americans to hate members of their families. 
"If any man come to me, and does not hate his father, and mother, and wife, and children, and brethren, and sisters, yea, he cannot be my disciple." (Luke 14:26)

Under the Ugly Island Act, unattractive people are deported to Puerto Rico because they are not allowed in the Kingdom of God. 
“Whosoever he be of thy seed in their generations that hath any blemish, let him not approach to offer the bread of his God. . . . a blind man, or a lame, or he that hath a flat nose, or any thing superfluous. Or a man that is brokenfooted, or brokenhanded, Or crookbacked, or a dwarf, or that hath a blemish in his eye, or be scurvy, or scabbed, or hath his stones broken; No man that hath a shall come nigh to offer the offerings of the Lord made by fire . . . because he hath a blemish; that he profane not my sanctuaries." (Leviticus 21:16-23)

The South regains their God given right to own slaves.  Before being sold to
Trent Lott, Condoleezza Rice convinces Bush to decree the Freedom Beating Act.  Strict guidelines for the whipping of slaves are taken from Jesus himself. 
"And that slave which knew his master's will, and prepared not himself, neither did according to his will, shall be beaten with many stripes. But he that knew not, and did commit things worthy of stripes, shall be beaten with few stripes." (Luke 12:47-48)” 

Medicare, Medicaid and western “medicine” are outlawed and replaced under the Freedom Healing Act. 
"If any are sick among you let him call for the elders of the church; and let them pray over him, anointing him with oil in the name of the Lord: And the prayer of faith shall save the sick." (James 5:14-15)

Under the No Boy Left Behind Act, it is illegal to educate girls or for any woman to speak outside her home. 
"Let your women keep silent in the churches: for it is not permitted unto them to speak; but they are commanded to be under obedience, as also saith the law. And if they will learn any thing, let them ask their husbands at home: for it is a shame for women to speak in the church." (I Corinthians 14:34-35)

Under the Patriotic Women’s Servitude Act, submission to men is strictly enforced. 
"I would have you know that the head of every man is Christ; and the head of every woman is man" (I Corinthians 11:3)

Finally under the Freedom Charity Act, wealthy people are required to give all their belongings to the poor because Jesus declared it to be the way to eternal life. 
"And, behold, one came and said unto him, Good master, what good thing shall I do, that I may have eternal life? . . . Jesus said unto him, If thou wilt be rich, go and sell that thou hast, and give to the poor; and thou shalt have treasure in heaven: and come and follow me." (Matthew 19:16-21. See also Luke 12:33)

Wait, King George is rich…

Under the Freedom of Interpretation Act, King George declares only verses from the Bible supporting his political agenda may be taken out of context and manipulated to apply to modern situations.

Genus d'Zombie: Manifestations of Zombieism in Contemporary Culture

With all that is going on in the world I’m not sure why I am compelled to write two articles on zombies.  I think it is because a zombie movie will remain in my brain (pun absolutely intended) for days after I watch it – even more so than more serious pieces of film.  Today I am contemplating the different ways in which zombieism manifests itself.  To compare and contrast these manifestations I will look at four contemporary examples of zombieism; Dawn of the Dead, Sean of the Dead, 28 Days Later, and Pope John Paul II. 

DAWN OF THE DEAD – ZOMBIEISM AS DEMON POSSESSION:  In Dawn of the Dead, zombie bite victims die, remain dead for a couple seconds, and then reanimate.  The reanimated version only resembles the original person in appearance.  There is no residual personality from the victim.  The zombie then runs with all its strength to bite the next person.  This manifestation of zombieism is the most metaphysical.  Instead of a biological change in the person, the person essentially dies and his or her body is possessed by another entity – something like a demon.  The demon then exists solely to run around and spread zombieism in the most vicious way possible. 

SEAN OF THE DEAD – ZOMBIEISM AS INTOXICATION:  In Sean of the Dead, zombies do retain residual personality traits of the original person.  The person is not vicious as much as slow and unresponsive.  In this way, zombieism manifests itself as being high on a very powerful drug.  The person remains essentially the same but heavily sedated with a bad case of the munchies.

28 DAYS LATER – ZOMBIEISM AS CHEMICAL IMBALANCE:  Dawn of the Dead may be the most achievable manifestation of zombieism.  Instead of dieing the victims’ physiology changes turning them into a mindless raging maniac.  With all the mood altering prescriptions available today it is easy to conceive some sort of cocktail that suppresses higher brain functions like self awareness and reason while over stimulating lower brain functions like adrenaline and rage.   It is not too large a leap then to assume this chemical altering cocktail could be transferred from person to person via blood interaction.  (Likewise, one would assume then that this manifestation of zombieism is transferable via sexual contact if somehow an uninfected person could sustain copulation with a zombie till completion.) 

POPE JOHN PAUL II – ZOMBIEISM AS GOD’S WORK:  Although not recorded in a film, news footage of the Pope shows he is obviously a zombie.  In this manifestation of zombieism the victim dies but somehow retains the ability to move his head and groan in order to complete God’s work on Earth.  This could be considered the converse of Dawn of the Dead zombieism in which dead people are reanimated to release Satan’s will upon humans.  Current debate over when and if the Pope will ‘retire’ centers around the sustainability of zombieism, an unknown component of the undead. 

In contemporary culture, zombies come in many forms.  Whether possessed, stoned, sociopathic, or presiding over mass, current mores regarding tolerance dictate equal treatment to all forms of zombies.  By focusing on the unique qualities of all zombies one can best achieve appreciation for the rainbow of diversity that is modern zombieism. 

Why Do We Care?

Oh the heartbreak, the pain, I can’t stand it. The Jets were so close to advancing in the playoffs and that stupid kicker had to miss not one but two field goals. I can’t get over this. Then there’s the demise of Brad and Jen’s marriage. And I thought they had made up over New Year’s. The photos in US Weekly seemed to suggest that. I’m just glad Scott Peterson got the death penalty. Even though he’ll probably sit on death row and never actually be executed, at least photogenic young pregnant women can sleep better knowing he’s behind bars. But one thing bothers me more than any of these events. Why do we care?

I’ve never been much of a sports fan. There’s nothing the Jets, Yankees, or Olympic figure skaters can do to affect my life one iota. I’ve never met Brad Pitt and don’t see how the state of his marriage can make a difference to me either. And there are thousands of murders every day. I’m not sure why some get so much attention. In spite of my indifference to these events I can’t escape them. That’s because a lot of people really care about this stuff and like to talk about it – constantly! I don’t know why.

I can’t claim any high rode. I do follow film and music and, obviously, politics. But I can’t say my interests are any more significant to personal wellbeing than anyone else’s. After the election I pulled back considerably from world events. It wasn’t just because of Kerry’s loss. That was part of it but I had focused so intensely on current events that I had some nauseating awareness fatigue and needed to opt for Simpsons reruns over the evening news.

For the first time in my life I understood why people didn’t pay attention to politics. I always knew the individual players could be a bit repelling but I always thought the importance of the discourse trumped the ineptitude of its participants. Not always. So, after years of explaining to others why I care about what I care about, I now seek to figure out what’s so important about some other distractions. No surprise, I discovered a lot of things really don’t matter at a personal level. But there is value among the frivolity. So, based on numerous conversations with people of varying passions, the following are my best explanations for the never-ending question – why in the world do we care.

Brad and Jen…

As a society it is important that we elevate some individuals as models of fortune, success, and happiness. Most of us aspire for certain things so we collectively denote others as indicators of when those things have been accomplished. However, equally important is our drive to establish commonality. So, while we obsess over the appearance and wealth of the successful we seek ways to humanize and equalize them. The story of Brad and Jen shows us what’s possible. It also shows us that no matter how wealthy, beautiful, or successful you become you are still subject to human foibles and the instability of relationships. We need both aspects. So, Brad and Jen’s divorce is important to be aware of because it simultaneously teaches us lessons on superiority and equality.

The Jets in the Playoffs…

No athletic feet will ever directly affect your life unless you are closely related to an overpaid professional athlete. However, sports victories give regular people pieces of greatness to accessorize their banality. Athleticism and skill are amazing and when one mighty athlete conquers another the residual victory is shared among fans. I may just be a cubicle dwelling 9-to-5er with nothing to do on a Friday night but I live in a city represented by someone who can run incredibly fast and catch a ball. Therefore I too have a little stake in greatness while those Cleveland people can eat their "Browns."

Sports are also metaphors for life. When you love a team they win and lose, break records and sometimes get indicted. Such is life. You learn to accept the ups and downs on and off the field and remind yourself there’s always next season and she probably really loves you sometimes.

Scott Peterson, et al…

We have a pretty good justice system that punishes the guilty and gives the innocent a fair chance to defend themselves. We need to be reassured of order and fairness in society but who has time to follow the whole legal system? One fascinating family courtroom drama can serve as a microcosm of a greater system giving us peace of mind. We also like to see pretty people get their comeuppance (See Brad and Jen, above) so seeing a good looking guy get sentenced to death makes us feel a little better about our own dysfunction and incompetence. There are no hot stewardesses in hell, pretty boy.

Film, Music, and Television

Art in all forms has the ability to enlighten life. One learns from the subtlety of Lost in Translation or the depth and pain of Andrea Bocelli. It is important to establish a public forum where we reward art that speaks best to the human condition. The Oscars and Golden Globes help us determine what visual media is compelling while the Grammies award crap that sells well to dullards. After decoding the importance of these award shows I still have no explanation why it matters so much what people wear to them.

Politics

It is important to pay attention to who is maneuvering for power in our country because around here you can actually do something about it without getting your village burned down. It’s important to know where you stand on reproductive rights, taxes, or education because laws passed on these subjects really can directly affect every single aspect of your day-to-day life. While the b.s. surplus of some politicians – who am I kidding, all politicians – may turn you off it is still important to muddle through the muck to decipher issues and agendas. If you don’t pay attention it is conceivable we may invade a country that hasn’t attacked us in order to stop the use of imaginary weapons while we ignore someone who really did attack us. Of course, this scenario is far-fetched but ultimately possible in a country that pays a little too much attention to Brad, Scott, and various forms of balls.

There you have it; why we care in a nutshell. Now, if you’ll excuse me the bachelorette is about to hand out roses and I need to know if Daren is going to make it till next week.

Dis-able-licious

Two years ago, redneck cas’ reached its apex and gave us the horrible ubiquitous fad of the trucker cap. Last fall geek-sheik was all the rage as skinny nerds in tight sweaters became the new hunks. This fall, haven’t you heard, preppy is back. Hot items for guys include flipped up collars and argyle sweater vests while girls crave the broach, the trench, and the poncho. But, for the fashion forward always looking for the next big thing the buzz all over Manhattan is dis-able-licious. That’s right style seekers, crippled is IN!

Ever since I came to New York fashionistas from Tribeca to midtown have been throwing themselves under moving vehicles and diving backwards down stairs. Why? Two words – Gimp Glam! It’s catching on and if you aren’t broken in one way or another you might as well be a fat Indian in certain circles.

Trends are easy to spot if you have an eye for style. Handicapped bathroom stalls are the new VIP rooms and cerebral palsy is the new big boobs of genetic jackpots. You don’t have crutches? Bitch please! The look now is immobile and obviously pained. Neck braces have replaced the little black dress as the universal wardrobe essential. And that chair I have in my shower I need to help me bathe… hello, can we say status symbol?

All over New York handi-capable is inescapable! Paris Hilton was seen hobbling down the red carpet after forcing her hip dislocation. Rumor has it Lyndsey Lohan was seen entering Prosthetic Aesthetic – an upper eastside salon where limbs are replaced with more current alternatives. We salute you Lt. Dan and your magic legs. Calvin Klein is reportedly getting runway inspiration from the laidback, sedentary style of Christopher Reeve. And it’s catching on elsewhere too. In West Hollywood drag queens that typically impersonate Gloria Estefan have switched from “Miami Sound Machine” Gloria to “After the bus accident” Gloria. Sit your ass in that wheelchair and work it girl.

Some have asked me, how do I stay so ahead of the curve? My artificial knee parts, crutches and fiberglass brace may have had more influence on the world of fashion than Jackie O’s pillbox hat and sunglasses. I say it just comes naturally. Some people got it. The rest just imitate.