red fuzzy jesus

THE OC: WEEK IN REVIEW 5.5.05

I was more than a bit miffed by Bush’s preemptive strike against Southern California last week.  So you can imagine the boner I popped when I heard there would be a “two hour O.C. event.”  But back to back may be too much of this guilty pleasure, especially when both are as depressing as these two.  Everything has fallen apart in Newport with just a handful of episodes before the season finale.  Let's get ready to wallooooooooooooooooooow, in pathetic conflict. 

Seth, “I thought you were a nice guy.”
Zack, “I’m a water polo player, we’re never nice guys!”

It must be true Jedi mind tricks work on the feebly cognitive because Summer’s attack on Reed was speedily disarmed.  You will not object to the graphic novel.  You will wear the vixen costume.  Summer shouldn’t have attacked Reed anyway.  This show thrives on stock archetypes for characters.  Reed could have karate chopped her face.  Reed’s efforts to spur conflict to further art may have gotten out of hand.  Seth and Zack are having a remarkable amount of success for a couple high schoolers but they just can’t keep it together.  Goddamn those judgment impairing permawoodies.      

And poor The Nana.  Her eyesight must not be so good because that beau of hers was the schmarmiest looking dude ever.  Whoda thunk a tan, slick middle-aged Dr. would be out for money.  Well, whoda thunk he’d want to put it that old bag for any other reason.  She at least suspected subconsciously and she knew who to call.  The Brows was on the case and justice is restored. 

I thought the old man Seth act was pretty funny.  To be honest, if the alternative was a bunch of drunk tools and bimbos I’d prefer chess at spring break too.  But can you imagine the smell of all those old people left out in the sun?  Ghastly.  And I have to give myself credit for spotting a stereotype set up here.  As soon as Corncob Sue opened her mouth and that accent wandered out I knew she would somehow be a vicious red state caricature.  And boy did that not disappoint.  Dumb farm boys from Bob Jones!  Oh O.C., kisses, you know just what I like. 

Did I say bimbos?  The Bushtwin is so pathetic the way she grabs at boys pockets and frontal body checks them.  Does any guy really fall for that?  Trey does.  But bagging the beggar so easily makes him yearn for the unattainable.  If the constant back and forth about whether or not Trey’s a good guy was irksome, there’s nothing like a good ol’ beach rape for clarification. 

Marissa is pathetic too for not telling anyone.  I know, I know, shame, vulnerability, privacy, etc.  It would be difficult to talk but all she had to do was play the heartstrings of temporary Stepdaddy Warbucks and Trey would be reliving his first night in the pen.  Hello, your boyfriend’s pseudo-Dad is a superhero.  She had the bruises he had the head trauma but somehow she managed to get her cell phone back without seeing him.  This turn of events does set up the tête-à-tête I’ve been predicting for a while but with a twist.  She wanted it, little brother.   If this were Cinemax then the storyline would be leading to a nice threesome.  But since it’s FOX we’re left to imagine that dialogue. 

Dude, you hungry?
- Watcha got?
Marissa sandwich.
- Sweet!

Speaking of Stepdaddy Warbucks, Cal’s benevolence didn’t last long.  He has good enough reasons to want out of his marriage but he went out of his way to be extra douchey.  Poopernickel and Marissa have a sweet deal with that house but that old clap-trap had to go screw it all up.  And she’s not the only one.  I’ve been saying for weeks Kirsten has the perfect man but she has to go kiss Carter.  Bitch please.  The nastiest moments of the evening came with the two breakfast rejections.  Caleb doesn’t want your damn eggs benedict.  (He has a heart?)  And Kirsten doesn’t want any breakfast in bed that makes her walk straight.  She wants high grain content, not whole grain.  Maybe the Nana doesn’t like Kirsten because she always suspected she was Irish.  Don’t get me wrong, I love that she has a drinking problem and I love watching her get smacked by that truck but from the looks of the previews it seems Sandy is not the only character with super powers.  That crash was horrific but it looks like she’ll be up and scowling next week.  I’m thinking Bruce Willis in Unbreakable.  Or maybe she’s a witch.  Corncob Sue’s buddies should drown her to find out. 

So things are sad in Orange County.  The show took a very serious turn this week with all the turmoil.  I was actually a bit touched by the Sandy-Kirsten moment just before the accident.  And I do feel bad for Poopernickel but I trust she can whore it out to a new buyer in no time.  I’m even almost sympathetic to Marissa at this point.  Almost?  But can’t they all just be reasonable and work things out?  No!  Fight my pretties.  I like to watch. 

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THE OC: WEEK IN REVIEW 4.28.05

Last night’s very special episode of my favorite dramedy lived up to its namesake with plenty of drama and comedy.  With the President’s approval ratings below 50% for a month now it was time to take it to the people.  I only wish his equally embattled friend Arnold would have sung the theme song, “Callie-four-NEE-uuuuuuugh, Callie-four-NEE-uuuuuuuuuuuggggggghhhhhh

h!” 

George, "I'm not surprised that some are balking at doing hard work."
What are they, former frat boys with no semblance of a prior career who got a sweet job on charm and nepotism? 

The show opened with George showing Ryan and Trey how not to walk like fags.  I haven’t seen a strut like that since high school.  Was W going to answer questions or beat up a nerd?  I love how the writers keep scripting George’s character to say nook-you-lerr.  You would think by now that joke would get old but it’s funnier every time.  Of course, Summer was totally jealous when Bush paid so much attention to dismantling social security.  I mean, I know it’s his dream and all but she needs attention too.  Caleb and Poopernickel were relieved that no part of saving social security involved rolling back the tax cuts their bracket received.  Those point-one-percenters need to stick together. Of course Poopernickel will still have to take it up the butt when it comes to gas prices because there’s “nothing” the President can do. But that’s nothing new to her. 

I’m surprised he didn’t call on Sandy to come to the rescue of the falling dollar which is losing value faster than Marissa’s lesbian.  I guess Sandy is too busy fighting evil doers like Lib-rawls and Tare-ists.  And I didn’t really understand the twist when George said the reason judges were being blocked was not faith but ‘judicial philosophy.’  That after weeks of being told 1000 times that it’s just because they’re Christian and the Senate is anti-faith.  Come on, is Trey evil or not!  This yo-yo is tiresome.  After one of the Bush twins ended up face down in a pool at his birthday party I thought for sure he was headed to Guantanamo bay.

And finally, will Zack ever get to lose his virginity.  Not with charming studs like George around.  That guy is so casual he can make solving our dependency on foreign oil look oversimplified.  With all the smirking and squinting and shrugging no regular nice guy stands a chance.  Rumor has it W left the party with Reed AND Summer – winking profusely.  Poor Laura, it’s only a matter of time before George finds out about her pornstar past.   

THE OC: WEEK IN REVIEW 4.21.05

Ok, so what have we learned?  I am really good at making insensitive ethnic jokes but not so good at predictions.  That’s not going to stop me from trying. You’re just going to have to trust me, little brother, as we once again take another trip to California.  And what a randy place it was this past week. 

Poopernickel, “Sometimes I have to make sacrifices to keep a roof over my daughter’s head.”
Marissa, “Ew.”

I was wrong, Trey is good.  Or is he?  That last scene has me questioning.    The yo-yo continues and Trey is walking the dog. (Smuthers Brothers reference?  Anyone?)   

I’m very confused about the whole crime fighting team.  First, Trey jumped out the same police jeep that the judge deciding his case got out of moments later. Were the accused and judge working together to affect the outcome of a case?  That’s legal.  And how does the fact that the jock tried to sell Ryan drugs prove that Trey didn’t give drugs to that girl?  It seems like Trey would still be on the hook since he confessed and all.  I guess there can only be one true drug dealer in Newport and that dude pulled the sword from the stone.  I’m willing to suspend disbelief I just don’t want to have to asphyxiate myself in order for the plot to make sense.

Something I hate on a very personal level is popping up in the O.C.  I hate when significant others get jealous or needy and prevent other people from fulfilling their dreams.  The opportunities being thrown at Seth are incredible.  I can’t believe there’s even an internal debate between pursuing those opportunities and pleasing Summer.  If she was any kind of friend she would be thrilled for Seth.  Instead she’s pouty and dumb and insists on lots of attention at the expense of everything that means anything to nerds everywhere.  I wish he would take that sword she had two episodes ago and lop her head off.  But, I’m afraid she would just grow two in its place.  Head one, “Derrh.”  Head two, “Duugh.”   Make out. 

Zack is now like Buffy chasing all the vampires only his prey is any of Seth’s women.  That’s right.  It was Reed a couple weeks ago and now Summer’s leaving the party with Zack.  Zack had a little smirk on his face that told us his car wasn’t a stick shift but Summer would be changing gears the whole ride home. 

I always look for new ways to apply my book learnin’ to the O.C.  Well, a couple weeks ago I learned about a theory that suicide bombers and 9-11 hijackers partake in extreme violence because their religious fanaticism allows for no sexual outlet.  So no sex makes you evil.  If that’s the case, Seth’s big virgin friend may just become his enemy combatant.  We now know what sexually frustrated males are capable of...

…especially drunk ones.  Pop quiz:  You’ve just spent the whole day with the women you professed lust for.  You’re now drunk, in a bathrobe, and sharing a hotel room together when she decides to leave.  What color are your balls?  Kirsten is the only woman I know of that can get drunk and still remain so tense.  Here’s her chance to pay The Brows back by making him wonder only he seems rather unconcerned.  He’s too busy fighting crime (literally) to care.  I again question whether this is extreme faith in his wife or something more subconscious.      

And we know who is not sexually frustrated.  Caleb has decided to renew his concubine contract with Poopernickel.  His sudden change of heart came from remembering ‘feelings’ for her.  At his age he needs to pop a pill to get that feeling at all.  Something tells me the groveling and tears helped that Cialis to kick in, you know, when the moment’s right for you.  Nothing is hotter than the thought of a former porn-star turned gold-digger securing a roof over her daughter’s head.  Earn that mansion, bitch!   

And Ryan knows a guy with a pool house he and Marissa can use.  So everyone is getting some or losing some or selling some.  That includes Trey.  The episode ends mysteriously.   

THE OC: WEEK IN REVIEW 4.15.05

Hey, no one said this review was going to be a rager!  Woooooo, this is the place.  Gather my bong sucking, crack snorting, inked sluts as we explore themes of condemnation and redemption in Southern California.

Poopernickle: “Ev’ry roooooose has its thorn.”

It’s an obvious writing technique to put characters through periods of transgression and redemption in order to keep them interesting.  If someone is too evil all the time sooner or later it gets old.  So, following several weeks of soulless Marissa jerking the white trash lesbian around just to get at her mom, the past two weeks have shown her with a heart trying to do her best to help Trey.  This works well enough to give her some dimensionality but the transgression redemption game gets old if it then becomes the predictable. 

I’m already tired of the Trey yo-yo.  He’s good. He’s going to straighten his life out.  He’s bad.  He’s going back to jail.  Ryan should trust and forgive.  Ryan should have known better.  He didn’t steal the watch.  He stole the damn egg.  He’s good, nope he’s bad, no he’s alright, he’s horrible.  Enough already.   At first I thought they were setting Trey up to be a new, permanent character.  After two straight weeks of bait and switch, I don’t know.  He may be joining Alex in the retirement home for OC hasbeens.  What’s that cop’s problem anyway? The whole point of girl’s like that is to help you “celebrate your birthday.”  They don’t find cures or work at soup kitchens.  As a byproduct of this service to society some of them end up face down in a pool OD comatose.  Not looking the other way when this occurs is like demanding the Mexicans who are going to clean up that party get a fair wage.  Some evils are just necessary in society. 

Aye Curumba! Mio Dios! 

Poopernickle’s back and she’s packin’.  She wants you to know what it feels like to have your life taken away... or, in the alternative, to have something shot in your face ‘cause she knows both.  We have the footage to prove it.  After you feel that, she’d love you to buy her a drink.  In one of the fastest redeeming turnarounds in history, the pornographer becomes the old pal over a couple shots and some hair rock.  Yes, Poopernickle, every cowboy does sing a sad, sad song.  And Caleb better watch out because she’s now a trophy wife with nothing left to lose.  She’s obviously the literary object of sympathy at the moment.  But just wait because no one stays good or bad for long in Newport.  Queue Elton John: Circle of Life. 

But, even though there was a scene that included mouthing the lyrics to Poison and slow-dancing with a pornographer, it didn’t win the prize for most stomach churning.  The winning gross out moment for me came just after Marissa squealed and threw out the threesome in progresso.  Then she and Ryan just dove right into that VD pool.  Baby, hold me, just mind the damp spot.  If that slut hadn’t screamed who knows what biohazard those crazy kids would have created.    

I wish I had a Sandy in my life.  He just throws cash at people.  He always stays even keel even when you’ve done something wrong.  He assumes the best about you.  He does more than anyone should do for someone and he still offers to do more.  When are they going to find the garbage bag full of babies in his basement because something has got to balance this guy out?  One problem I have to mention is the TV convention that attorneys are jacks of all trades.  That’s not how a law degree works.  In the past few weeks we’ve seen Sandy as criminal defense attorney, civil liable attorney, extortion expert, and real estate advisor.  Lawyers work in one field. The one who writes your will can’t keep you out of jail.  But, we already know Sandy is a superhero so maybe his special power is multiple practice areas.  That’s almost as lame a comic character as The Vixen. 

Speaking of everyone’s favorite comic threesome… related to redemption is sweet, sweet revenge.  Seth ‘stole’ Summer from Zack thus breaking his heart.  Then Seth finally finds someone that’s a good a fit for him and whose arm is she on?  Payback’s a bitch, Cohen.  For a nerd Seth seems kind of dumb.  He was quite surprised to find out there are girls out there that share his interests.  Granted a comic loving female is rare but did the thought really never occur to Cohen that he could do better?  I picture a future where Seth and Jay LARP together with their kids and Summer marries one of those party-jocks of equal cognition.  He can be a sports obsessed manchild who can’t meet her needs and she can get excited about manies and pedies and live stupidly ever after.   

And Seth says he picks up a little gay vibe from Zack.  Well if that aint the pot calling the town of Newport black. 

THE OC: WEEK IN REVIEW 4.5.05

The O.C. isn’t Math class.  Still, I wish I had taken notes on tonight’s episode to keep track of all the double entendres.  I lost count after Marissa handed over the teapot and…

Ryan, “Guess I better take it in the back and tag it.”

My two favorite punching bags were MIA this week.  In mere days Alex broke her lease, quit her job at the bar, and was eating grits at her parent’s “house.”  Marissa sure did miss her old muff buddy… wait, what am I thinking.  I feel sorry for Marissa.  All that grueling work playing gay to hurt her mother was outdone by 30 seconds of tape.  Speaking of Poopernickel, she fled to Paris to escape her so called scandal.  Little did Poopnik know a much larger scandal was breaking out in Newport. 

Did you see it?  It was quick but I promise you it happened because I saw it flash on the screen twice.  Somehow, someway a BLACK person made it into the O.C.  It was bound to happen some time.  Never do any of the kids have black students in the background at their school.  Sandy doesn’t have black clients.  There weren’t even black people at Trey’s studbunny jail.  But there was definitely a black dude sitting at that auction.  I don’t know if he wore some sort of mask to get by the guards or crawled across the ceiling like a ninja but he got in there.  However it happened I guarantee you some member of the casting staff in charge of extras was bludgeoned by a producer. 

News must have gotten back to our little Parisian porn star about the breech of whiteness because she felt safe enough to come back early.  And just in time too, Marissa and Ryan were about to start a family of uber hot demon children.  Now, Marissa is grown up enough to move in with her was-bian two-week stand but dear god she cannot stay in a mansion by herself.  What if the help gang up on her?  She couldn’t just go stay with Summer whom she spends the night with all the time.  She just had to go stay in the same house with her ex-boyfriend.  There was simply nothing else Marissa could do. 

I’ve decided Seth is the conscience of the show.  You know certain things are going to happen and Seth overtly wags his finger and warns of approaching predictable plotlines.  But do Ryan and Marissa listen?  Noooooooooo.  They just have to “not sleep” and get “thirsty.”  Oops, Marissa can’t lock her door when she’s changing as a guest in someone’s home.  Oops, fancy meeting you hear, in the early morning, while everyone’s asleep, and can’t hear us, and we’re in our pajamas, and used to do each other.  There was simply nothing else Marissa could do.               

I like how they are setting up a Trey-Ryan-Marissa love salad.  Why wouldn’t Marissa jump at Trey?  He’s cute and more than a bit queer, just like Ryan.  He milks the bad boy attitude, just like Ryan.  And he’s an ex-con which isn’t as matricidal as a white trash lesbian but a damn close second.  Bonus: she gets to hurt Ryan again.  Trey is perfect for her! 

Speaking of perfect men, did anyone else hear the reference to Sandy Cohen being like a superhero?  Wonder where they got that idea from?  I thought it was so sad though when The Brows said he didn’t have any friends.  His new best buddy is the guy who admitted to wanting to bang his wife last episode.  But maybe that’s subconsciously why they’re becoming such good friends.  If I were Sandy I’d want to pass that bag of hell too. 

Seth’s got a new best friend also.  Every nerd needs a big smiling virgin wookie to pal around with.  And not a moment too soon as Summer has developed homicidal rage all of the sudden.  Her violent tendencies must be why neither guy was brave enough to tell her that a comic book wasn’t what caused the conflict between the three of them.  It was her indecisive man-eating vagina.  When it comes to his own relationships, Seth ceases to be the show’s conscious.  If he were a real friend he would sit the big ape down over a milkshake with two straws and say, “Zack, you’re sweet so I’m going to spell something out for you gently.  When you’re getting rid of your comic books because your mother says she wants you to “grow up,” she’s speaking euphemistically.  I think you know what you need to do.” 

On a final note, what the fuck kind of word is, “Noopsy?”   

THE OC: WEEK IN REVIEW 3.24.05

I know you’re busy but I think it’s important you take a break and have a family dinner with me.  So grab a plate and some chicken parm and let’s discuss your day – your day in  Newport. 

Poopernickel, “I made a mistake, a naked mistake.” 

What jail did Trey get out of?  He was petty – a little too pretty if you ask me.  He had perfectly coifed hair with lots of product for that effortful bedhead look.  He had just the right amount of stubble and too good a tan.  He would have gotten pounded.  Nobody leaves jail looking like asscandy and walks like it’s not the day after Halloween.  When he first met Seth in the pool house and grunted “you talk a lot,” I think he was anticipating finally getting to be the man.  Run geek, run! 

Poopernickel is my new favorite character.  Her expressions were amazing whenever she teased Ki Ki about her boyfriend.  There is nothing like seeing a former porn star sing K-I-S-S-I-N-G.  I imagine Poopsie knows how to spell lots of fun things.  Oh Poopernickel, sweet sweet Poopernickel.  The first rule of being a trophy wife is don’t overcharge your keep.  I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again.  No one is surprised Poopernickel did porn.  Her husband wasn’t.  Kirsten didn’t look shocked.  The people at the party looked more resolute than surprised.  I have to wonder if it was intentional irony on the part of the writers to make the cover of Pooper’s new magazine look like a porn rag.  It isn’t a scandal sweetie if it affirms the assumed and obvious.       

Poor Carter had to ask Kirstin if she was mad at him.  She’s not mad at him.  She has this amazing ability to always have perfect hair and yet look like she was just held under water.  At least Carter was honest about his feelings.  Ki Ki is infected with spousal hypocrisy and like most would-be strayers it’s apparent to everyone but her.  I think Sandy is getting wise though and I eagerly anticipate witnessing the limits to his nice guy modus.  Judging by the bar fight scene Sandy could learn some useful tricks from the son he bought at juvie. 

Alex was conspicuously missing last night.  Having subjected two major characters to God knows what diseases she may have finally expired her utility.  Or has she?  Zack is back and looking for love, baby.  Alex most closely resembles Zack’s taste in make believe romance and since we now know he spent his time in Italy sulking we can deduce his flower remains unplucked.  Although, having lived briefly in Italy, I can attest the hookers there are second to none.  Maybe Francesca was real – real affordable. 

Summer had a bad idea of where Italy is.  She accused Zack of getting a new girlfriend in Italy 20 minutes after they broke up… in America.  It’s not her fault really.  Seth has obviously forced her to watch too many episodes of Star Trek without bothering to explain the physics of beaming.  She’s full of good intentions though.  She puts up with Seth’s nerdicies and has now protected two pathetic little secrets from Zack.  Marissa on the other hand seems quite savvy but has a heart of coal.  If Seth could work some nerdy Weird Science magic and create an amalgamation of those two I have a feeling he and Ryan would be visiting the Eiffel Tower repeatedly.  *wink* 

On a final note, don’t pretend you didn’t notice.  It’s not just Seth and Ryan.  Ryan is vaguely homoerotic around all his brothers.   

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THE OC: WEEK IN REVIEW 3.17.05

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First, some unsolicited advice. If you were to ever write an article and post it on the web, be careful not to use the following terms all together: “OC” “Porn” “Slut” “Bitch.” I speak from experience. These must be some popular search terms because the tracking on my page showed some critically heavy hit action after Friday. 
Last night I broke from my marathon lovemaking session with philosopher Alexis d’Tocqueville in order to repel down my ivory tower and watch The OC. This was an appropriate way to approach the episode as it contained plenty of examples of both the dumb and the surprisingly profound.

Kirsten - “We could be irreverent!”
That dude – “I’d rather be drunk.” 

 

Most of the ladies did a good job redeeming themselves this week, except for Summer. Near the beginning of the episode, she stood with Seth in the middle of rows of mankind’s knowledge but all she cared about was Ryan and Marissa. If books had more reflective surfaces she might be literate. 

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Speaking of Marissa, didn’t your little heart just ache for her when she shed those tears? No! Burn the bitch. Summer even asked her if the reason she couldn’t go home was her love for Alex. Nope. Marissa didn’t want to make her mom happy. What an evil little creature. Had summer possessed access to more than two brain cells she would have realized that was no friend but a sociopath on her bed. Where’s my unicorn?
By the way, Ryan buddy, don’t mess with the whitetrash lesbian. Because, oh boy, she is going to bring it. She will burn your house down. She’s tough, man. She’s from the wrong side of the tracks and doesn’t fit in at pep rallies. But, I have a feeling Ryan could take her because she’s 2-DIMENSIONAL. I guess the writers at the OC were as dismissive of Alex as Marissa. They used her muff diving for sweeps and then discarded her once she wore out her novelty. I’m sure Alex mourned her breakup all night long. What do you think she used to pay her thug-life friends after they threatened Ryan? Bar tips? Noooooooo. 

The town of Newport needs to develop some sort of Batmanesque spotlight signal for Sandy Cohen. He is the go to hero for all your problems. What was going on with him though when Poopernickel dropped that porn? (Yeah, there it is people. Porn, porn, puh puh puh porn! Google. Google. Click on me.)  By the way, it was completely unnecessary for him to watch the tape. If his wife wasn’t such a hose beast he wouldn’t need to “view the footage.” But K K also redeemed herself a little bit too this week. I interpreted her use of the old loser magazine as an act of love to her idealistic husband as much as a life preserver to Sulky McManmeat.

And then there’s the bonfire. At first when I saw they were having strategy sessions for the bonfire I thought, “How stupid are these kids?” You don’t need to do blueprints for a bonfire, you pile up some wood and set it on fire. But then I saw they constructed a giant Trojan horse sculpture. Wha…? And that’s what the OC is to me. At one level, it’s as dumb as mapping out plans for a fire. At another level, there are a lot of Brechtian influences. Brechtian meaning self awareness in art. The constant references to The Valley show the OC knows it’s a fluffy show and doesn’t take itself too seriously. Only someone with Summer’s IQ couldn’t see the destination of the Ryan/Marissa train. But Seth warning Captain Oats about Ryan’s bad touching was comic gold that should be thrust into the anals of television history.

THE OC: WEEK IN REVIEW 3.10.05

So Poopernickel did pizza porn but developed amnesia about it until some dude tried to blackmail her.  She’s stupid.  For the 50k she offered him she could afford a team of lawyers and a tape recorder to throw his ass in jail for extortion.  This should not be hard for her given her reputation as a fierce unwanted enemy.  I’m sure she’s faced tougher, uh “challenges” before.  Besides, what’s the danger for her?  No one is going to be surprised she once played a double-stuffed whore-e-o cookie. 

Sandy Cohen is the perfect man; so sensitive, so available, so loving.  And yet his frigid bitch wife still manages to register constant resentment on her over-botoxed face.  What is her problem?  Sandy constantly knocks himself out with these huge gestures of love but she’s still insecure.  He sang her a song at their anniversary and fought off a cock-starved ex not to mention funds her skippy lifestyle.  She should let go of whatever disappointment she’s fabricated and thank god every day for her marriage, her bank account, and her giant house. 

You could almost see the light bulb go off over Marissa’s head after the pink laundry.  Hmmmmm, pretty girls can either have men take care of them their whole lives or slum it up with whitetrash lesbians.  What should she choose?  In an analysis similar to the Sandy one above, what is her problem?  Look at Ryan.  Look at him!  Stop punishing your slut mom and get back in that tent.  See how long you can go without him blurting out, “Oh, Lindsey.”   

That bar tender is banged out.  Don’t tell me she’s bummed because her relationship is going sour.  Oh boo-hoo-hoo.  Just move the buffet along, princess.  And since she’s into dudes and chicks she’s good for twice the passin’.  “Pink is the new black.”  Whatever.  Purple streaks are the new red flags warning, “Danger!  Dead end ahead!  Watch for falling self-esteem.”  I have to admit her expression was priceless when she realized Marissa wasn’t doing laundry at her mom’s.  (She just did laundry, dumbass.  Remember the pink stuff?)  You could read her thoughts and they said, “Boy, I could sure use a Pabst Blue Ribbon right about now…  and a dick.”

Summer can pinky-swear all she wants and she’ll still be dumb as hell.  That postcard should have read, “Having a great time NOT losing my virginity here in Italy.”  Summer grabbed the big V from Seth last season and she was all ready to take another guy’s last week.  She’s good for picking cherries but not much else.  Seth would like a smart girl.  Seth would be into a girl that likes obscure rock and edgy literature, not one whose dream is to wake up in a mall.  He may be nerdy and neurotic but she’s vapid.  I wish he would take her out on his stupid boat with her namesake and do a talented-Mr.-Ripley to her. 

Even that horrible father guy is growing a soul.  So the men on The OC are kind and handsome while the women are lamentable train wrecks.  (Sexist writers in my TV, say it aint so.)  Ladies, please burn the pizza porn, keep your ring on, lose the pissy face, drop the lesbian act, and pinky-swear to me that you’ll kill yourself. 

Can’t wait for next week.